This story owes a lot of it's tone to Simon Rich's collection of short stories, The Last Girlfriend on Earth. Take a look - it's really cheap on Kindle, and it's awesome.
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The banker sat behind his desk, shuffling papers. “It looks like all this is in order. How would you like to start making
repayments?”
Caitlyn sat in shock. The idea of
being in debt was completely new to her; until today, she hadn’t realised she’d
borrowed anything, not until this banker had got in touch and told her she had
to start paying her loan back.
“What exactly am I supposed to
have borrowed?” she asked.
“Well, let’s see,” he said, steepling his hands and looking up at the
ceiling. “There was my time for a
start. All those years I spent paying
attention to you and running errands for you.
That could have been spent elsewhere.
All the time I spent thinking about you.
All the things I bought for you, all those birthday and Christmas gifts.”
“What?”
“You don’t even remember, do you?
Our first year of uni. I spent
the whole year spending my time on you, paying attention to you, and then, when
I finally got up the courage to tell you how I felt, you said you only wanted
to be friends!”
“...Thomas?”
“Yes, Caitlyn, of course it’s Thomas.
Or do you make a habit of taking up people’s time and attention?”
“I thought we were friends.”
“We were friends all right, but did you even consider going out with
me? Giving me a chance? In fact, I’m going to add compensation for
emotional distress onto this debt. You
can pay it off by giving me a chance.
Date me for a year – that same year I’ve already spent on you – and we’ll
consider it even.”
“Are you insane? I don’t owe you a relationship, Thomas.”
“You owe me time, attention, and money.
You took all those things from me, Caitlyn, and now I want them back.”
“I didn’t take them! You gave
them, of your own free will! I can’t
believe you’re acting like this, Thomas.
We were friends. I wasn’t madly
in love with you, no, but I didn't owe you that! You can’t just demand
that I give you a year of my life!”
He continued gazing at her over the desk in silence. With disgust, she’d remembered how he’d do
that at uni; go quiet and hope the awkward silence would net him
the answer he wanted.
“What if I did give you a year of my life and I still didn’t want to be with you?” Caitlyn demanded. Despite knowing the trick, the silence got to
her.
“You’d have made me waste another year,” Thomas said, “so, obviously,
you’d have to pay that back. You can’t
just play with people’s hearts like that Caitlyn. I’m a nice guy, which is probably why nothing
ever works out for me. I did everything
I could to make you happy, and you just wouldn’t even give me a chance.”
“Fuck you, you self-centred, entitled wanker.”
Caitlyn stormed out. Left alone
in the office, Thomas sighed.
“Nice guys always finish last,” he said, glumly.
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